That’s no typo. Necessity is, of course, the mother of invention (Plato, if you’re curious), but necessity itself is a mother&^*%. I’m sick of needing things I didn’t need before, in my former life as an energetic, in-the-know, relevant young person.
I have too many new needs to list them all here, and besides, it would be a snooze. I’ll just highlight a few that are particularly galling:
I now need:
- to precaffeinate, i.e., to have a cup of coffee to be coherent enough to meet someone for a cup of coffee
- to google text messaging codes like ASLMH (look it up! I had to) and new catchphrases to understand what they mean
- to eat a few hundred fewer calories a day just to remain the same weight
- “closure”
- control-top everything
- larger shoes (pregnancy plus yoga equals ginormous feet)
- more electrolysis (see old Jewish lady beard)
- help getting up sometimes after playing with my kids on the floor
- Xanax
- phone support to operate our new Brita filter pitcher (an LCD screen?)
- and of course, the ass bra
On the positive side, I don’t yet need the following:
- to pay for sex
- to beg for change
- to order one of those nifty individual sound amplifiers off the TV so I can hear the birds chirp
Here’s where I shut up and count myself lucky. Help me out here—what are some of the things you now need that you never did before?
Photo Courtesy of www.wearehappytoserveyou.com
Tags: ass bra, closure, control top, electrolysis, necessity, xanax
Some things I need but didn’t used to need:
Reading glasses
Sleep
Quiet
Hand and Neck Cream
Diamond jewelry
Alone time
Anger management techniques