In this respect, at least, I’m like Paula Abdul on Idol. I think everyone showed tremendous talent and gave it their enthusiastic all, which is why everyone who entered the SIGNS YOU’RE A FORMERLY contest is a winner. Yay, you! Please email me your mailing addresses at firstname.lastname@example.org, and look out for your prize in the mail.
Also like Paula Abdul on Idol (your opinion–was she ever Hot? In her Forever Your Girl phase? Is she forever your girl? Is she Formerly Hot?) I am going to point out which I think is best about all the contestants’ submissions. I will not be channeling Simon, so no worries.
Joel wrote: You are the utterer, not the subject, of the phrase “You kids…”
Doesn’t that freakin’ kill you? When did we become all, “Get off my lawn, you hooligans?” I don’t even have a lawn and I say that.
Joe P. wrote: You find that more and more of the songs you grew up with are winding up in commercials.
So depressing. How the hell does Swiffer get (Formerly?) cool groups like Blondie and Devo to hand over the rights to some of their biggest (or in the case of Devo) their only hits? Sure, I can see why MC Hammer would allow You Can’t Touch This to be in a Purell commercial (he’s probably hurting for cash and it is kind of funny) but c’mon, did Squeeze really have to license Tempted to Dentyne?
Margaret wrote: You constantly crunch numbers i.e., “What if my kids attend public college vs private” to see if there’d be any money left over for plastic surgery.
Margaret, for the record, I think if your kids went to state schools so you were able to get a Mommy Makeover or whatever it is you want, it would be totally worth it and you should not give it a second thought. I went to a private college, and while many of my classmates were and are brilliant, it always seems like the smartest person in any office I’ve ever worked with went to SUNY something or the like. In this economy, state school is the new private college. And just think of how good you’ll look at commencement. “Is this your…mother? Or your sister?” We Formerlies love that shit.
Dana S.:Ã‚Â You still slip and say “record” instead of CD and you suspect you shouldn’t say CD anymore either.
You are so right and I sometimes think technology is a metaphor for, well, us Formerlies. They keep upgrading and creating new, smaller, lighter and cheaper models, pushing the big old clunky stuff into obsolescence. Except that the old things (that would be us, if you’re staying with the metaphor) still work perfectly well, as long as they don’t stop making things they need to function, like turntables and needles and stuff. (I personally hope they don’t stop making Diet Coke or Wellbutrin.) The only thing that keeps Formerlies from being obsolete is other Formerlies laughing at our jokes.
Jeannie wrote: When getting dressed in winter, you care more about being warm than looking good.
Ain’t it the truth. I see these gals in their cute little fitted cloth coats with the little belts and the four-inch booties in six inches of slush and I just want to ground them. And then I want to confiscate their clothes and wear them myself, after the snow melts, on a day when I don’t have to walk anywhere.
Shannan (hi, Shannan! So nice to see you here) wrote: You untag Facebook photos of you because that dress wasn’t as cute as you thought it was.
While I personally have never done this, I have decided against posting certain pictures that I deemed unflattering, which is the same thing. When most of your friends are FB “friends,” (see technology rant, above) and all they see of you are pictures that are supposedly you looking fabulous living your fabulous life, you really get into that whole image-control mindset.
Tula wrote: You still think “hook up” means “let’s meet up for a drink.”
Alexis wrote: You realize that the president is only 5 years older than you!
What. Is. Up. With. That? But here’s the thing: He’s older than you and I, and yet not a Formerly, not by a long shot. Why is that? Does he think he’s so great because he’s the Leader of the Free World and we’re just, well, us? No, it’s because he is clearly on the ascent, looking forward and not behind (although I wish he would look behind him just long enough to prosecute certain Former Presidents and those Formerly in the Uppermost Reaches of Government for war crimes).
That’s fine. We elected him, in part to make the world a better place for the future Formerlies, our children. Maybe he’ll make the world safer for current Formerlies, too–right after he fixes the economy, closes Guantanamo, brings the troops home, topples the Taliban, makes the Israelis and the Palestinians decide to friend one another, funds education and the arts, and…oh, yes, and make sure everyone who could potentially get sick can afford to be treated.
He has better things to think about than whether or not he’s a Formerly. And I don’t. Which is why I’m a Formerly.