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Ass forward

870201750_4107bbefd2_m.jpgMost women would rather endure a Brazilian by a novice waxer in the midst of an fight with her boyfriend on her cell via Bluetooth than go swimsuit shopping, even on a skinny day.

For me, looking for  jeans has become almost as painful. And no, this is not so much because I formerly had a better body for jeans, before I had twins and before my metabolism slammed on the breaks at 40 and decided it would tolerate no more Nutella. Of course I Formerly Looked Better in Jeans. I have long since factored that in to my new, mature self-image that values such superficial things less (can’t you tell?) and adjusted my expectations of what will reflect back at me in the three-way accordingly.

No, what makes jeans-buying so hard these days is that the companies making the jeans now have names like “Rich and Skinny” and “Young, Fabulous and Broke.” The disparity between those names and my actual life is just too, too vast. It makes me feel silly. Worse, it makes me want to go shop at Ann Taylor. And that really makes me feel like packing it in.

I am not Rich or Skinny. Nor am I Young, Fabulous, or Broke, although I suppose I’d be willing to inch a bit closer to Broke if it meant I could buy me some more Young and Fabulous, and maybe a smidge of Skinny, while we’re at it. (I’m not sure what Skinny is measured in; it wouldn’t be pounds or inches or watts or kilojoules or anything. I’m going with smidge.)

The thing about Rich, Skinny, Young, Fabulous and Broke is that they are all extreme, albeit arguably glamorous, conditions. Since  becoming Formerly Hot, I’m less extreme about most everything. I’m not skinny, but neither am I fat. I’m not young, but not old. I’m not fabulous, although I do some things fabulously, and I have enough money so that if my girls need new eyeglasses it’s not a huge hardship. My life as a Formerly is hardly the stuff of music video vixens, but I’m happy.

Below are some suggestions for brands of Formerly jeans–maybe not an image most people would rush out to buy, but a label I, for one, would be proud to slap on my ass.

Solvent and Still Viable

Good Credit Risk Jeans

Surprisingly Attractive for My Age Jeans

Hanging in There Jeans

Nothing to Prove Jeans

I Forgot More than You’ll Ever Know Jeans

So Over It Jeans

UPDATE: Thought of some more. How about

You Wouldn’t Believe What I’ve Been Through Jeans

Still Standing Jeans

Yes, They Make Jeans This Big Jeans

Kiss My Ass Jeans

You  Just Wait Jeans

Talk to Me When You’re 30 Jeans

Love that Lycra Jeans

Been There, Did That (Twice) Jeans

Card Me, I Dare You Jeans

Bret Michaels Should Beg Me To Marry Him Jeans

Flava Flav, Too Jeans


May Need Some Help Getting Pregnant Jeans

Forgiven and Forgotten Jeans

Make That an Egg White Omelet Jeans

Is There a Pill For That? Jeans

You Didn’t Invent Sex Jeans

Hold The Door For Me, Asshole Jeans

Is that Hair on My Keyboard??? Jeans

I Need to Rest in the Stairwell Jeans

I Think, Therefore I’m a Formerly Jeans

Photo by: stephzerofour, CC Licensed 

13 Responses to “Ass forward”

  1. Marlene says:

    I freakin’ loved this post. You made me laugh out loud. I’m thinking of witty jeans’ names as we speak!

  2. Tom Humes says:

    Nice Site layout for your blog. I am looking forward to reading more from you.

    Tom Humes

  3. Amy says:

    I only buy LL Bean jeans. You know, the What the heck do I care? Ordered in less than five minutes between cleaning up dog vomit and shoveling dinner out of the oven jeans.

  4. Alexis says:

    I definitely need some Hanging in There Jeans, or at least some It Could Always Be Worse Jeans.

  5. Bárbara A. Herrnsdorf says:

    Me personally, I think we should have a special Bronx Science class of 1985 special limited edition pair of “I forgot more than you’ll ever know” jeans just for us!!!!

  6. Bárbara A. Herrnsdorf says:

    HILARIOUS!!! This blog entry of yours easily rivals in hilarity with that whole, ‘NJ needs a new slogan’ thingy…where they came up with gems of humor like “NJ–next to a really cool state” or “NJ–was that me or you?” The amount of different jeans women can come up with…whew!!

    And, I would easily buy AT LEAST six pairs of the “YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH JEANS” and save the “SPECIAL EDITION BRONX HS OF SCIENCE-CLASS OF 1985–I FORGOT MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW JEANS” for Sundays, special occasions and holidays!! Woo hoo!!

  7. Demetra Vrenzakis says:

    This is soo funny!! Personally, I want a pair of “Nothing to Prove Jeans”!!! Oh! I’ll take a pair of those Science 85′ limited edition as well!

  8. Margaret Bravo says:

    That is BRILLIANT! I want a pair of “What are you looking at? I’ve given birth to 2 11 lb baby jeans…..

  9. Demetra Vrenzakis says:

    I can’t stop laughing!! I soo very much NEED an “I Need to Rest in the Stairwell Jeans”! I try to act cool when I’m with others, like it was a piece of cake walking up those stairs – so not true!!

  10. Robert Kempe says:


    Saturday Night Live is hit-or-miss with its humor, but this fake commercial was amusing enough.

  11. Gina says:

    I was just going to ask if you’d seen the SNL Mom Jeans skit. So funny. I read your list to MY mom who almost broke her hip laughing (particularly at the “Make that An Egg White Omelette Jeans” & the “I Need To Rest In The Stairwell Jeans”). Hilarious post!

  12. Joel Jacobs says:

    Is this like the longest you’ve gone ever without posting? What happen, your kid break a collarbone or something?

  13. Andrea Falkenstein says:

    Hilarious! I think I’m a Been there (did that twice) Jeans (maybe even thrice!). How about…a new kinda jean called “Do what I tell” jeans! For the woman who knows SHE’S THE BOSS. Keep it coming!