Comments on: On getting it right

By: Margaret

Margaret — Thu, 28 May 2009 13:03:10 +0000

I love the line were you said ” I suspect those who think the got it “right” have simply found a way of looking at the things they’ve gotten wrong in a more compassionate light.”

Brilliant.

We should all learn to forgive ourselves and embrace what’s “good about today”.
Wonderful piece!

By: Julie Bolt

Julie Bolt — Thu, 28 May 2009 04:11:04 +0000

A lovely post, but the whole thing saddened me, as I ended up thinking about things and people I’ve lost (in all the ways you lose people,) and how, for mostly legitimate reasons, I skipped out on my Bard reunion last weekend.

Yes, I’m more whole and less crazy, and sometimes it feels that clear cut and others if doesn’t. Right now, I feel more whole, but with “holes.” But I will get over it and soon feel abundant. Maybe tomorrow.

By: Joel

Joel — Wed, 27 May 2009 03:57:08 +0000

And to think there was a brief moment when you doubted there’d be material for a FORMERLY HOT post at your COLLEGE REUNION. Please indeed.

This one raises an interesting question, not really developed this time around, that I haven’t seen elsewhere in your blog (or if I have, I’ve forgotten): what’s the relationship/difference between being “hot” (which signifies some sort of universal appeal) and being attracted/attractive to more appropriate people. Is it possible that we had better luck with the wrong people in our 20s, but maturity actually put us in a better position vis-a-vis the people we should be with anyway? It’s academic for us marrieds, though probably in the same way that being hot is, or at least should be.

I realize I’m totally ignoring your main point, about what’s on the inside. Well, not totally, insofar as what’s on the inside is an important attractor for real relationships. But your point that we’ve matured, and that’s more important for us as human beings (not just as daters or potential daters) than looks is well taken. I just was intrigued by the potential crack in the whole notion that we are former hot just because we don’t look 20 anymore. I’d like to think we’re hotter now because we’re not so stupid.

Also, while I agree with you that wanting to be 25 and “get it right” is unrealistic, I don’t feel like I even understand why that’s what she’s pining for. Why is that any better than being 40 and getting it right? We’d all like more time on this planet, sure, but this seems like a good time to become whole, when the people around me are whole too. More wholes, fewer a-holes. I’ll never lose nostalgia for my college days, but I don’t wish I were 20 again like I did when I was in my 30s.

By: Amy

Amy — Wed, 27 May 2009 03:15:19 +0000

I never came close to getting it right. I never will come close to getting it right. I will die not having gotten it right. My only hope is I will be at peace with not getting it right. And, I think I’m on my way. Hey, I was able to go to the reunion

By: Jocelyn

Jocelyn — Tue, 26 May 2009 23:38:11 +0000

Stephanie,
I love this post! I just discovered your site through SELF Magazine and I LOVE it!!! This piece was beautifully written and so poignant!
Keep up the great work!! I am bookmarking this site NOW!

best,
Jocelyn

By: Pauline

Pauline — Tue, 26 May 2009 21:36:10 +0000

Did you ever see the play “Three Tall Women”? It had a fascinating view of aging, one that I think is quite interesting. Basically, we see one character at three stages of her life. And during each stage, her interests and her circumstances are so very different, that in some ways she’s very much like three different characters. She doesn’t necessarily get wiser as she ages, she simply goes from one set of circumstances to the next, and these in a way define her. So when she’s young and looking for a mate, that hunt very much dominates her personality. So I wonder if “formerly hot” makes sense for a lifeview. Perhaps the truth is, you’ve met the love of your life (and from the intro to this site he sounds like a lovely guy) and so you’re able to jettison needing to be “hot”. Its not an element that has as much importance. (And so nobody thinks I’m insulting you: I haven’t seen you in person in years, and so have no way to judge how “hot” you currently are or arent).

And all the folks you saw at Wes (wonderful Wes!), who’ve made various decisions in their lives, are living out who they are at this stage in their lives. I’m not sure they’re a “better” version of who they were as youths, but they’ve found what works for them now, whether it be not drinking or career choices.

Not sure if this is apropos, but I was enjoying the website, so thought I’d try and contribute.