Stephanie Dolgoff

In the car–and, sadly, nowhere else–I am Mixmistress Steph, DJ extraordinaire, and as such, I give my husband and kids an unparalleled musical education for which I know they are deeply grateful, even if they don’t show it. The sound track to every car ride that’s long enough for me to find my iPod in the bottom of my gigantic mom purse consists of random hits from the AM radio days of my youth, the few current uberpopular songs (mostly by Lady Gaga) that even I, a harried 43-year-old working mother of twins couldn’t help but absorb, and, of course, ’80s music.

The ’80s were when I was in high school and college, when, like every raw and angsty adolescent, I felt on some level that Simon LeBon and Natalie Merchant and even Ozzy Osbourne were living inside my head, shouting out all the raw and angsty things I wish I could express, and would have if I had talent and a recording contract. READ THE REST AT HUFFINGTONPOST.COM

How to love and appreciate your post-baby hot mama body

So you’re toting a few extra pounds and sagging in some places you weren’t before. So what? Your body is still sexy and incredible. Here’s how to believe it!

“Mushy tushy, mushy tushy!” I remember giggling as I jiggled my mom’s cottage-cheesy butt. I couldn’t have been more than 3, because her rear end was at my eye level as she dressed in front of the bedroom mirror. “You just wait until you have kids. You won’t think it’s so funny then,” she said, tickling me.

In case you doubt karma’s power, when my twin girls, Sasha and Vivian, were 4, they adored sitting on my thighs, kneading my none-too-taut tummy, and screaming, “Wiggle, wiggle! Mommy’s belly’s in the Wiggles!” Damn the Disney Channel.

My daughters were too young to realize that a squishy front or behind is often considered a curse, not a plaything (and at age 7 now, they thankfully still are). But the truth is, all kids — myself included — see their moms as dazzling goddesses, and in no way can a little cellulite detract from that. It’s high time we took their cue and made peace with our post-kid shapes.  CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL ARTICLE

If one more person tells me to “embrace my age,” I’m gonna lose it.

Photo Credit: Courtesy of Subject

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What to say when they say “It’s Not Fair!”

“Yeah, well, I got news for you: Life isn’t fair, so SUCK IT UP! If it were, our private chef would be making you lunch and the chauffeur would drive you to school and I would still be ASLEEP instead of having this conversation. AGAIN!”

No, I didn’t say that to my twin girls this morning, but I thought it so loudly they may have heard. What the ladies found so unconscionable was that after they had bickered for 20 minutes about who got to wear the pink sweatshirt with the fairy on it, I told them neither of them could. We then discussed how frustrating it is that we can’t always get what we want, and I explained the reasoning behind my entirely equitable decision. I knew they weren’t happy, I told them, but short of magically pulling an identical fairy sweatshirt out of my behind (gross-out faces ensued), it was the best I could do in the two minutes we had before we had to leave. Nonetheless, they harrumphed and stomped around and insisted that I was perpetrating a grave injustice against them and possibly children everywhere. This, before I’d had my coffee. But at least they weren’t arguing with each other.

It was a welcome respite, considering that Sasha and Vivian, who are 6, have recently found the following unfair (partial list): that Vivian’s class went to the museum, and Sasha’s didn’t; that Sasha’s class got to eat the marshmallows they used for making 3-D geometric shapes with toothpicks, while Vivian’s class didn’t even do that activity; that Viv’s tooth fell out first, even though Sasha was born 90 seconds before Vivian and so is “older”; that Sasha’s glasses are purple and not “boring old gold,” like Vivian’s; that Sasha “got to have” alone time with Mommy when she stayed home from school vomiting into the Hello Kitty trash bin; that Mommy sits on Viv’s bed to kiss her good night, but Sasha only gets kissed from a standing position (Sasha sleeps on the top bunk, which is hard for me to climb on). By the way, it also is sometimes unfair to Vivian that Sasha gets the top. It makes me insane.

I could go on, but you likely have a version of this fairness drama unfolding in your own home. The bones of contention can be just about anything — material (”Her lollipop is bigger!”), experiential (”He always gets to stay up later than I do!”), even metaphysical (”You laugh at her jokes but never mine!”). And, sorry, but parents of only children aren’t exempt, because having to share toys on playdates can seem unfair to some singletons, as can not getting to do or have what their friends have when they reach school age.

Clearly, kids’ concept of fairness differs greatly from ours, and it changes over time. “For very young children, like three or four, fairness is just desire: I want what I want, and if I don’t get it, that’s not fair,” says Judi Smetana, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in New York. For a period after that, until they’re anywhere from 7 to 11, fairness means equality — the same thing as someone else at the same time, or pretty darn close. Most children, when they get to school, will start to recognize some nuance, like it’s fair if two kids have different things of similar value (a chocolate and a strawberry ice cream, for instance), but the intensity of the issue is just as great. “Depending on how diverse their school is, they’re probably going to have major comparisons along socioeconomic lines,” says Robert Myers, Ph.D., an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and human behavior at the University of California at Irvine School of Medicine and webmaster of Childdevelopment info.com. This complicates things even more, as a 7-year-old generally does not yet have the perspective to understand why one family may be able to afford things that another cannot.

It’s not until middle school or early adolescence that most kids can be more logical about fairness, says Myers. That includes, say, accepting the idea that her little brother might need more attention from you sometimes, and while that’s not thrilling, it is fair. Not that it’s easy getting to that place.

“Sometimes I think it’s about ‘Who do you love more?’” says Andrea Kane, the Atlanta mom of Carina, 7, and Josephine, 9. Her daughters protest perceived inequities in how many sleepovers the other gets, who got which treat and how big it was, and dozens of other issues. Which is why Kane tries hard to show them there are, in fact, no inequalities on that front. “If I bring up something I love about Carina that Josie doesn’t have,” she says, “I’ll make sure to point out that I love Josie for who Josie is, too.” Then again, sometimes it’s just about a pink sweatshirt with a fairy on it, or anything that doesn’t have a duplicate. Vivian Scheidt of Seattle, a mom of two girls, 6 and 8, recalls a particularly baffling fight over a silver cup that had contained Hanukkah dreidels. “As soon as the cup became interesting to one child, the other child wanted it. They created the inequality.”

So what’s a parent with a caffeine-withdrawal headache to do to keep the peace? Take a deep breath, and remember that all this arguing is part of learning how to be a good person. Several studies have shown that kids’ early sense of fairness may have deep roots in human survival — if everyone treats everyone fairly, the group will continue to thrive. But whether a child develops a strong sense of fairness and empathy has partly to do with how parents handle things, says Myers. Below, a few strategies that can help your kids move in the right direction.

Explain Yourself Understanding that you’re not being arbitrary doesn’t always soothe kids’ immediate sense of injustice (see sweatshirt anecdote, above), but walking them through your logic isn’t a waste of breath, either. “It’s a good way to stimulate their development and understanding of fairness,” says Smetana. Try something like “The reason I let him stay up later than you is because younger kids need more sleep than older ones. When you’re his age, you will be able to stay up until the same time.” Reassure them that you’ve given the issue of fairness and their concerns a lot of thought. Myers suggests saying, “You have to realize that I treat everybody fairly, but I treat both of you differently depending on your needs.” Eventually, they’ll catch on.

Point Out What’s Really Important For a while, when the girls were 4 and we were having our alone-time afternoons, they each asked that we do exactly the same activity and eat the same food at the same restaurant. “Vivian saw the monkeys, and it’s not fair if I don’t get to see the monkeys,” Sasha would say. No amount of playing up the rockin’ reptiles (that Vivian didn’t see) could dissuade her, and things got mighty boring, at least for me. Because it’s still tricky for kids this age to get that “fair” doesn’t mean “identical,” Myers says it might have helped to remind them that even if they did different activities, the prize was Mommy time, which they both got in equal measure.

Listen to Their Feelings You know you’re being fair, and, deep down, they may even know it, too, but they’re still plenty pissed off. Joel Jacobs, a dad in Berkeley, CA, recalls an incident in which his 8-year-old daughter, Talia, didn’t want to go to a holiday gathering at her Aunt Nancy’s house. “She thought it was unfair that her views were being ignored,” he says. Rather than dragging her to the car (which we all resort to in a pinch), he encouraged her to talk about her feelings. “I saw that she was conflicted about it,” says Jacobs. It wasn’t that Talia didn’t want to see her aunt; it was just that, because her mom had been seriously ill that year, she wanted the holiday to feel like it used to, before all the tumult. That meant spending the holiday at home. Jacobs then asked her to imagine how her aunt might feel if they canceled at the last minute, and she came around.

Bounce It Back to Them If they disagree with your strategy, asking them what they think would be fair works shockingly well sometimes. When one of my girls came to me insisting that it was her turn to pick what they watch on TV, I said (truthfully) that I didn’t know whose turn it was, but that they needed to come up with a solution. (I said this not because I’m such a genius but because I had referee fatigue.) Within a minute, they decided to watch what one girl wanted for half the time, then switch. Bonus: Because it was their rule, they stuck to it, letter and spirit. This works differently but just as well with older kids. “Sometimes they come up with a great idea together, but other times they realize that the situation is, in fact, fair exactly the way it is,” says Jacobs of his daughters.

End the Conversation If the protestations continue even after you’ve explained why something is fair and allowed the aggrieved party to have his say, give yourself the last word. Telling him to SUCK IT UP! isn’t ideal, but something along the lines of “You’re right, life can be disappointing sometimes; we all hate that” works. It’s tempting to give in, but resist if you’re able; otherwise, it sends the message that you’ll accommodate him if he persists in playing the unfair card. “Something can be fair even if they don’t understand it,” says Kane.

Don’t Expect Everyone (or Sometimes Anyone) To Be Happy With little kids, “you’re never going to satisfy them,” says Judith Sansone, a mom in San Francisco who has two girls, 4 and 6. “They are irrational beings — their needs are so immediate.” Even when they’re a bit older, you still may not be able to, at least not entirely.

Scheidt, the Seattle mom, recalls the time she got her girls identical hats because each always seemed to covet what the other had; besides, her younger daughter wanted to look like the older one. Wouldn’t you know it? Her older daughter informed her that it wasn’t fair that she had to wear the same thing as her little sister just so her sister would feel the situation was fair, which was, well, a fair point. “There is nothing I can do about that. They’re the keepers of equality, and they’re always looking for unfairness,” Scheidt says.

Happily, other parents and Ph.D.’s say that the issue fades somewhat on a day-to-day level as kids’ understanding matures, usually by age 11 or 12 (thanks, in part, to your having the fairness conversation. Again.). But brace yourself: As they grow into adults, they tend to remember the perceived inequities, not all the times you twisted yourself into a pretzel to do the fair thing. Indeed, Kane says she felt for a long time that her younger sister always got the goodies when they were growing up, a feeling her older daughter has shared, despite the fact that Kane knows she’s being equitable. “I look at my girls and think, You’ll only get it when you have kids.” That’s called karma, and while it can be a bitch, it’s totally fair.

You can’t fight (or win) every conflict with your kid. Here’s how to find the middle ground.

If you’re a parent, you’re tired. While one might be childless and tired — after, say, a day of shoe shopping (not that I miss having the time and money for such frivolity or anything) — having kids means being tired all the time, not just for a few hours after that trip to the mall.

And when you’re tired (which is always; see above), and the kids are, you know, provoking you, and it’s only 7:30 in the morning and you’ve got miles to go before you sleep, you’re inevitably going to have to make some executive decisions regarding which battles to engage in and which to concede. Do you let the 5-year-old wear her Barbie nightie to day camp, or do you bar the door until she puts on shorts and a T-shirt? Should you point out to the 11-year-old that there’s no way he took a shower (as he claims), or do you pretend not to notice the black crescents under his fingernails that tell a different story? After all, you have only a certain amount of time, energy, and patience, and you can’t afford to blow it on stuff that doesn’t really matter.

If giving in sounds like a cop-out, believe you me, it’s not. In fact (and here’s the part where we tell you that what’s easier for you is actually good for your kids), when they see you work out what’s really important, they learn how to work out for themselves what’s really important. It’s a win-win. You get to save your breath and what’s left of your energy, and your children get a lesson in what it means to be a reasonable person.

Kristen Arnold, a mother of four in Westboro, MA, recalls a dinner at which her 7-year-old asked for two forks, one for his rice and one for his meat. Her husband’s feeling was “you have to adapt — everyone gets one fork,” she says. Arnold, however, saw infinite value in avoiding a 45-minute tantrum that would spoil the meal. She and her husband discussed it calmly at the table, weighing the pros and cons. In the end, Arnold won out, and all the kids got a good lesson in considering all sides of a conflict and listening to others respectfully. “Now they’ll come back to me and negotiate,” she says.

“You want to be a positive force in the way your children look at life, so work out a deal whenever possible,” says Paul Fink, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at Temple University School of Medicine, in Philadelphia. If you don’t, a smart kid will look for a way around you, which will likely involve secrecy or lies. Besides, choosing not to engage in every little skirmish means fewer arguments, plain and simple.

What’s often tricky, of course, is figuring out the “is this worth fighting for?” part — especially if you’ve got to think fast. For starters, it’s important to note that there are certain developmental stages at which kids naturally assert their need for independence and individuality (say, by dressing like a circus freak). It helps to view the push-back as less about defying you and more about saying “I gotta be me!” says Bonnie Maslin, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in New York City and the author of Picking Your Battles.

For help with those times when, say, a crabby kiddie simply isn’t in the mood to cooperate, or when you feel strongly that a child do/eat/wear something that said child feels equally strongly that he should not have to do/eat/wear, we got the advice of parents who’ve done several tours of duty.

When to stand your ground

Let’s start with the simple ones. All the parents interviewed for this story cited a few battles they always choose to engage in, no matter how pooped they are. They have to do with a child’s safety or the safety of others, involvement in violence, and any kind of behavior that could land a kid in juvie. Others mentioned the intentional infliction of emotional harm. At minimum, you have to keep your kid from hurting himself or those around him, however you define “hurt.”

Then there are those clashes that involve your family’s values. Principles you may hold dear (patience with others and respect for religion, for instance) aren’t exactly top of mind when you’re 20 minutes late for the service and your 9-year-old demands to wear his wet suit to church. That’s why it’s a good idea to sit down one evening and list the ideals that really matter to you, and which family situations may test them. Consider how you want your child to interact with others and what would make you the most proud. You’ll find there are few things worth arguing about, but that the ones that remain — your core values — are critical.

“The most important thing in our family is that we treat others with respect,” says Michelle Wegner, a mom of three girls, ages 10, 9, and 5, in Granger, IN. The kids have been fighting and name-calling recently, so Wegner started docking them a dollar each out of their piggy banks whenever they cross the line.

To Christina Alborn, a mom of three in Phoenix, it’s important that her children grow up “with a sense of appreciation instead of entitlement,” she says. To that end, the battles she and her husband take on have to do with expecting their kids to earn toys and privileges many of their friends receive as a matter of course. “On my list are respect, kindness, inclusion, and truthfulness. If my husband or I caught one of our girls behaving unethically, we’d certainly take her to task. We’d like them not to be wasteful. And we want them to at least try to do for themselves before asking for help. We usually agree on which battles to fight, although we may have different reasons. For instance, he believes we should always fight the get-the-girls-to-clean-up-after-themselves battle, which for me has less to do with the dried-up macaroni under the table than with the larger principle, that they don’t have servants. For him, it has as much to do with the dried-up macaroni.”

Word of caution: Keep your family-values list to a reasonable handful. If it’s way long, you’re going to be fighting — a lot. Yes, it might feel like your child is carrying a sign that says ‘I reject every decent thing my parents tried to teach me’ when he leaves the house wearing stained jeans, ratty Vans, and a skunky hoodie. But when it comes down to it, odds are ‘I want my kid to dress in the clothing I think looks nice’ wouldn’t make your list of core values. Which brings us toÂ…

What else is worth fighting for

There are things you want your child to learn that don’t fall under the exalted heading of “values” — for example, a taste (or tolerance!) for brown food. Still, you might argue with her about this if you’re going to a friend’s for dinner and you feel it’s important that she try new things and/or that it’s courteous to at least try what the host prepares. Or not. It depends on many things, including your energy level, your child’s temperament, and whether it’s a battle you can win — but you can usually figure it out by asking just two simple questions.

1. Will this battle fight itself? Just the other morning, my daughter Sasha, 6, turned her cute little nose up at the oatmeal with apples and raisins she had asked for. My husband began to argue about wasting food, but then stopped and said, “Fine, but no snacks. The next thing you eat will be lunch at school.” Sure enough, she was hungry and grumpy until noon — she asked for a snack on the way to school. She still futzes with her food sometimes, but after a quick reminder about the Battle of the Oatmeal, she usually reconsiders.

2. Can you live with it? If something your kid wants to do isn’t going to hurt anyone and won’t make you terribly unhappy, then try to let her. Say, for instance, “Peanut butter and cheese sandwiches really gross me out, but I know that they’re your favorite, and they do have lots of protein, so I’ll just try not to look.”

What you should do instead of fight

As any good leader knows, war is a last resort. If you can resolve something by negotiation and compromise, do so. Some tactics:

Moms, you’re the best! Here are just a few of the reasons you deserve a medal.

Go ahead. You know you deserve it. Here’s How to actually take a break.

Close your eyes for a second, and when you open them, read the words on the next line.

A day for yourself.

Now imagine yourself taking one. For readers unfamiliar with this concept, a day for yourself is defined as a series of uninterrupted hours during which you relax, read, take a yoga class, see a friend, or skip through a wheat field in slow motion, if that’s what makes you feel good. What’s more, you do this without regard to anyone else’s opinion, hunger level, need to be at the speech therapist, feelings of abandonment, or your daughter’s desire for you to help get the yellow rubber minidress on one of those teeny-tiny Polly Pocket dolls RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!!

Okay, so what is the primary feeling you’re having at the thought of that day just for yourself? Is it:

a) Guilt
b) Trepidation or outright worry
c) Righteous entitlement, because, dagnabit, you deserve some downtime
d) Shock at that pig flying by
e) All of the above

We all know we should take a “me” day (or at least some “me” time) every so often, and we know we’d feel less addled and overwhelmed if we did. Says Emily Bender, a certified holistic nutrition consultant from Fairfax, CA, and mom of a 5-year-old, “Not only was I calmer after I went to a weekend retreat, but being away gave me a lot of clarity about what my needs are and how I parent. It freed up a colossal amount of mental space so I could see things better.”

There are myriad reasons, however, that we can’t or don’t take a day. Some moms believe that the whole machinery of the house would screech to a halt if they were incommunicado for that long, while others don’t fully trust their partner to actually engage with the children instead of planting them in front of the TV while noodling around on Facebook. If you work outside the home, you may already feel sad that you don’t see your kids enough. And, of course, many single parents have added logistical and financial obstacles that prevent them from getting alone time.

But there are some deeper reasons many of us don’t take a hiatus. Melissa Leffel, a teacher and mom of two in Fredonia, NY, has never taken a real day off. She says it makes her feel selfish to leave her own kids, or her students. “It’s a sense that I’m not being responsible,” she says. “When I want a day off, it’s usually about wanting space, or to be able to sleep until nine. It’s about wanting back things that I used to have before I had kids and maybe didn’t realize what it would feel like not to have anymore.” The thought of wishing away your family (a notion that most moms have had, at least fleetingly, at some point) feels ungrateful and somehow reckless.

Nonetheless, Leffel’s sentiments are echoed in tot lots and middle school PTAs across the country. “Nobody wants to think of themselves as selfish,” says licensed psychologist Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box and a mom of two in Dallas. “They think, Time for me detracts from time with them. How could I not put my kids first all the time? If I don’t, I’m a bad mom.” By this all-or-nothing thinking, says Dunnewold, a “good” mom should always want to be with her children, and what’s more, enjoy every (sometimes tedious or aggravating) second of it, regardless of her own needs. Any other scenario is a sign that you’re not worthy of the good fortune the heavens have bestowed upon you in blessing you with such a lovely family.

To that, Parenting says poo. Let’s help you shelve those unrealistic expectations of yourself and go get a manicure (or take a walk or go to the mall or just sleep!). Because that old chestnut is spot-on: If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

Time-off obstacles, overcome!

Below, some of the big reasons moms hesitate to pull a temporary disappearing act — and permission to do it anyway.

“I’m okay. I don’t really need a day off.” All moms need days off occasionally, and you might not realize that you’re at the end of your rope until you find yourself dangling over a precipice. “Everyone is like a pitcher of water. If you keep pouring it out — taking care of the children, pets, bills, your mother-in-law — without filling it up again, you’ll be running on empty,” says Dunnewold. “Remember: You’re doing a good thing for your kids if you do something for you.”

“The kids will suffer if I leave them for that long.” That would be true if you vanished off the face of the earth, never to return; we’re talking one day (or half a day, if that’s all you can swing). Your children may be upset when you actually say goodbye, but they’ll get over it with ego-crushing speed. “We think that things will fall apart or something bad will happen if we leave,” says Dunnewold. “But ask yourself, is getting your nails done or having lunch with your friend really going to wreck your kid?” Says Gina Osher, a mom of 2-year-old twins in Los Angeles, “I tell myself it’s really good for my kids to be with other people, so it’s not all about Mommy.”

“My husband/babysitter won’t keep her in her routine.” Even if you write it all down for your partner or caregiver, there’s always the chance that naps will be late or nonexistent, or that your child will not get the afternoon snack that keeps her from becoming a monster by dinnertime. But is it really such a disaster if it happens once in a while? Kate Miller, a mom in Providence, RI, has learned to let this stuff go on her weekly day off, when her husband has guys’ day with their two sons. “So he lets them watch too much TV, and he doesn’t wash their hair properly, in my opinion,” says Miller. “It’s fine. Everybody’s alive.” Besides, whoever’s left in charge will learn firsthand why that snack and nap are critical — and deal with the consequences. (The key here is to stay out long enough that you miss the meltdown, which may not even happen.) “This is less anxiety about the child than it is anxiety about control,” says Dunnewold. Let it go.

“I work all day, so I already spend so much time apart from them.” This is a toughie, but working at an outside job still doesn’t give you all you need to feel human. Besides, working brings home the bacon, which is another form of caring for your children. “If you’re the type to feel guilty about this, maybe you should feel guilty if you don’t take the day off,” suggests Miller. “You’re not letting your kids see their mom in a good state. They don’t get to experience you when you’re rested.”

“I stay home and my husband works hard all week, so I feel bad taking a day to myself.” Well, you work hard all week, too, if you’re taking care of kids — some would say harder, given the zillions of details you keep track of and all the needs you must satisfy. “There are labor laws in this country,” Dunnewold points out, and you can decide that they apply to you, too. For every eight hours you work, you’re entitled to a half-hour lunch and two 20-minute breaks. If you’re a stay-at-home mom with no help, you work 16 hours a day. That means you have 14 hours a week coming to you. If you take even half of that you’re still not slacking off. Raising children is a valuable contribution to the world; you should be rewarded for that.

“I’d feel better if I used time alone to take care of things that are stressing me out.” Okay, but use some of it for fun. If you have three hours off, be constructive during only one of them. And then keep reminding yourself: You will be a better mother, on all levels, if you tend to yourself.

Create free periods

You might find an hour or two while your kid’s in a karate class, at a dropoff playdate (return the favor to the mom-on-duty next time), or even during a kid movie you don’t want to sit through, if your child’s with an old-enough friend — just set them in their seats with snacks, and sit right outside the theater doors…to read or knit or play Minesweeper.

“If I have to do something, like go to the dentist, I will try to add on one frivolous thing, like getting my nails done.” — Gina Osher

“I get up, get dressed for work, and don’t tell anyone that I’m not going to the office. I work out, see a movie, and I’m home by dinnertime. And I don’t feel guilty at all.” — Nancy Smith, Parenting staffer

“I take the dog for ‘a long walk,’ but I actually walk over to my sister’s, where I sit and have coffee and chat.” — Lisa Bain, Parenting staffer

Signs you NEED a day away

1. The nail-polish remover is just where you left it: on the refrigerator door with the salad dressing.

2. You look forward to your annual Pap smear because at least you’ll be able to lie down in a quiet place with no children nearby.

3. You hear your big kid warning your little kid, “Dude, steer clear. She’s got that crazy-lady look.”

4. Sometimes when you pull into your driveway, you don’t really want to get out of the car.

5. Your unsympathetic, ass-in-chair-style boss gently suggested that you take one.

How to stop “checking in”

1. Get your nails done — it’s hard to use a cell phone with freshly painted nails.

2. “Forget” your phone in the car glove compartment.

3. Consider the fact that your husband might resent it when you check in and be insulted that you don’t have confidence in him.

4. Realize that he might have questions (”Where are the razor blades? We’re doing an art project”) that could stress you out.

5. Give your cell to a friend to hold, and confiscate hers.

Stephanie Dolgoff is Parenting’s editor-at-large.

By Stephanie Dolgoff (for Parenting — check out Parenting.com)
As I sat on a teeny-tiny chair reading to Vivian in her kindergarten classroom, I noticed her teacher, Debbie, do something that made my jaw drop. “David called me ‘liar liar pants on fire!’ and he didn’t stop!” one boy reported to Debbie. Debbie took David’s hand and said, “Come over here and help me make sure I have enough milk for snack.”

That’s why Debbie is Debbie and I’m a mess. In one simple move, she removed him from the conflict, distracted him from the joy of teasing, gave him attention he obviously needed (but not the kind of negative attention he may be used to), and made him feel like a useful part of the class, rather than a fringe kid who only gets noticed when he razzes others. That would never have occurred to me.

Debbie is clearly not the only teacher who has a few brilliant tricks up her sleeve — techniques that she’s learned over the years to keep her whole class engaged, paying attention, and (for the most part) behaving for seven hours, five days a week. I knew I had a thing or 20 to learn. Following: teacher tricks you can steal to keep your guys on the straight and narrow.
WHEN THEY’RE ACTING UP

Give them a do-over

“If I see two kids pushing in line, I might say, ‘Pao and Tommy, please make a different choice,’” says Michelle Mertes, a first-grade teacher in Wausau, WI. “Kids typically know what they’re doing wrong, and using this technique gives them the chance to change their choices and make me proud.” Which, she says, kids really want to do, despite their occasional in-your-face behavior. “Seeing a disappointed adult is more powerful than being yelled at,” she says. If they don’t come up with a better choice, of course, then it’s time to take away a privilege, like the chance to sit next to a friend.

Add a dollop of guilt

“If a kid is doing something ridiculous, look at her like you’re disgusted or make her feel a little guilty,” says Alison Frank, a kindergarten/first-grade teacher in Encinitas, CA. Let’s say your child is fondling every piece of fruit in the grocery. “It’s probably better to say ‘I hope you don’t have a cold coming on — now someone is going to buy that and your germs will be all over it,’ rather than ‘Don’t touch that.’” This gives her both a good reason to stop and a chance to think about how her action affects others.

Hover

Like a security guard tailing a shoplifter may deter the crime, sometimes just standing near a kid who is breaking the rules will curtail the behavior — you may not even need to stop what you’re doing or say anything. Elaine Smith, a third-grade teacher in West Bloomfield, MI, says that while she’s teaching, she’ll simply drift over to where the kid is goofing around, and perhaps come up behind him and place her hands on his desk. The mom equivalent might be to make your presence known by peeking into your child’s room or lurking in the hallway or peering over his shoulder while you’re on the phone (and he’s doodling instead of doing homework). If he knows you’re onto him, he may stop.

Get on your knees

Not to beg, but to look the child square in the eye. “Women tend to stand up when talking to kids, whereas men tend to kneel down and get eye-to-eye,” points out Nick Ferreira, a former teacher who is now an education adviser at Child Center New York, a nonprofit child and family support organization in New York City. “Getting down to their level changes it from a huge scary interaction to a direct conversation,” he says.

Channel their “superpower”

When a child repeatedly acts out in a particular way, find the positive in it and help her use this “power” for good, not for evil. Christine Herring, a third-grade teacher from Monroeville, PA, recalls one girl who was ¿ber-bossy, which caused her classmates to reject her — and led her to misbehave. “I told her, ‘You know, you have a strong personality, and someday you could be President. But the problem is, to be President, people have to like you. Your friends don’t like it when you’re bossy. So think of yourself as a President-in-training, and start really working on respecting your classmates, listening to them, and knowing when to use your bossiness.’” Once Herring had helped the girl understand the best times to use her strong leadership ability, like when organizing a game, things went more smoothly.

If your child can’t sit still, his superpower might be “energy,” which you can direct him to use at the right time and place (for the fastest cleanup on record, maybe, or when he’s out in the yard). If she’s a cutup and disturbs other diners in the restaurant with her Hannah Montana medleys, praise her ability to make people laugh, but give her an outlet where her superpower will be appreciated — a musical-theater class, for instance, or an evening performance for you and your husband. If she breaks into song at the wrong time, you can say, “You’re not using your superpower correctly,” says Herring. “They start to get it after a while.”

Change “go” to “come”

Next time you find yourself desperately trying to get your child to do something (like sit down for dinner), try saying “Come with me to the table so you can sit down,” instead of “Go sit down at the table,” suggests Joan Rice, a third-grade teacher in South Milwaukee, WI, and coauthor of What Kindergarten Teachers Know. “It almost immediately changes the tone from one of confrontation to one of cooperation,” she says. Plus, you can take him by the hand and move him where you want him.

Be assertive

Saying “Okay, today we’re going to clean out the garage” works better than “Well, I was thinking maybe today…” Stand up straight as you let them know what’s going to happen, says Maribeth Boelts, a former preschool teacher who now writes children’s books in Cedar Falls, IA. There will be no doubting who’s in charge. Still, there’s no need to be a drill sergeant. “I think kids need a cheerleader, so try to be optimistic, cheerful, and firm about what needs to happen next,” says Boelts.

Say their name first

“With kids who don’t listen the first time, say their name first, then what you want,” suggests Smith. “If you say ‘Make the bed, Suzie,’ she’s not going to hear anything before her name.” Standing nearby is also more effective than yelling across the room — it’s too easy to ignore you that way.

Let them swap chores

If you have more than one kid and it’s cleanup time, giving them the freedom to trade tasks can make them more likely to comply. “Something may feel like a lot of work to one kid but not to another,” says Carol Hock, a retired fourth-grade teacher in La Quinta, CA. Letting them switch gives the kids some sense of control, plus it shifts the conversation from Ugh, we’re doing chores to What chore do you want to do? “It makes it more interesting for them,” says Hock. “Everyone is jockeying to get what she wants, and the person who used to have the job is watching to make sure the other does it right.” If you have one child, you can have a three-way swap meet with your child and partner, or employ the technique when it’s cleanup time at a playdate.
HOW TO PREVENT MISBEHAVING (as much as is humanly possible)

Give them a piece of the rock

Frank assigns each kid a task that she’s good at, so she feels like an integral part of the classroom. “I had a kid last year who loved gardening, so it was his job to turn our garden soaker hose on and off every day. Then I’d thank him in a genuine way without making a big deal about it,” says Frank. “It really does make a difference because they’re not working for a specific reward — they’re working to maintain their self-esteem and the respect of the teacher.” You might try asking your child to be in charge of emptying the dishwasher, if she’s old enough, or to be the one who makes sure all the lights are out in the house before you leave.

Let them make the rules

It won’t be the inmates taking over the asylum — promise. In fact, their rules may well be more stringent than yours. “At the beginning of the year, we sit together and come up with the classroom expectations — what we expect of each other and ourselves,” says Hope Zettwoch, a fifth-grade teacher in Willington, CT. “Then we spend a lot of time discussing it. It helps them to have an investment in the rules.” My daughter Viv’s teacher actually has the kids make drawings depicting the rules, so they’re doing something positive to reinforce them.

Do a countdown to liftoff

Transitions (getting out the door, putting toys away before bathtime) are a bear for kids and adults. Boelts suggests a countdown. If you have to be out the door at 9:20, call cleanup time at 9:00. At 9:10, it’s pee and put-on-shoes time. At 9:15, everyone needs to have their coats on, etc. “You count backward with a schedule,” she says. That way, you’re sure to have allotted enough time, and the kids know what to expect.

Set up a take-a-break space

It can be any quiet, comfy area with no TV to which kids can excuse themselves when they’re feeling sad or overwhelmed, and where you can direct the kid when he’s misbehaving. In Zettwoch’s class, it’s a giant beanbag. “A child can choose to take a break, or you can tell him he needs to,” she says. The take-a-break space is not a time-out, emphasizes Zettwoch, because it’s not a punishment in itself (even if you’re the one who asks the child to go there). “In fact, I pick a time when everything is going fine to give each child a chance to sit there, so they know what it would feel like to take a break and that it’s not a punishment or a consequence.” (That said, if the behavior is repeated, Zettwoch would take away a privilege or implement a consequence she and the child had decided upon together.) The upside? You don’t have to drop what you’re doing or take attention away from another kid to have it out with the one who is drawing on the walls — he goes and takes a break — plus you can postpone the conversation for a few minutes until everyone (including you!) calms down.

Stephanie Dolgoff is Parenting’s editor-at-large. Check out her blog Formerlyhot.com.

Words you’ll never forget

Can’t recall your ATM password, but still remember the insult about your butt from a fifth-grade jerk? Turns out, body barbs affect us for years. Read on to move on.

By Stephanie Dolgoff

From the February 2009 Issue

When Kristy Scher was 16, her father said, “I’m concerned about your weight—even your ankles are fat!” When he said that, “It was like, ‘Damn! Even the things I thought were OK about me really aren’t,’” says Scher, a 38-year-old yoga teacher in Portland, Maine. Almost every woman vividly recalls at least one childhood crack that influences how she feels about her body now. In a new SELF survey, 50 percent of readers say parents were a frequent source of these zappers. Worse, a study in The American Journal of Pediatrics notes that more than 80 percent of college women say parents or siblings have made negative comments about their weight or eating habits, which contributed to lower self-esteem. But the hurt can come from others, as well. In the SELF poll, 54 percent of women say schoolmates were the worst culprits. Megan McCafferty, 36, a writer in Princeton, New Jersey, recalls a fellow eighth grader saying, “It’s a good thing you’re smart, because you sure can’t rely on your looks!” Laughs McCafferty: “The only good thing is that the angst this caused has given me great material for my novels.”

Why, decades later, do such remarks remain vivid? “As a child, you lack the cognitive skills to put them in perspective, so you may take them more seriously than you should,” says Ruth Striegel-Moore, Ph.D., chair of the psychology department at Wesleyan University in Middletown, Connecticut. Worse, our culture tends to reinforce the idea that an imperfect body isn’t good enough, which can make the shame doubly hard to shake. Still, “you can choose to say, ‘I’ll let this rest and live by my own values,” Striegel-Moore says. Try these tips for letting go once and for all.

Get indignant. Instead of taking nasty remarks to heart, respond strongly—but in a healthy way. Says Scher, whose father maligned her ankles, “Nowadays, if I hear someone denigrating a woman’s body, I think, Bow to the goddess and kiss my curvy, luscious ass!”

Light a fire. Take the insult (thunder thighs!), jot it down along with the belief it’s searing into your brain (”I have no self-control”), then burn it, Striegel-Moore suggests. “The ritual lets you say a formal good-bye to the negativity.”

Talk back. “My mother once said, ‘You’re perfect from the waist up,’” recalls Deborah Jaffe, 43, a photographer in Los Angeles. Rather than bottling up the angst, try responding directly, in a neutral tone (”You’re telling me this because…?”). That forces the other person to justify her behavior, Striegel-Moore says.

Learn from it. “Many of us repeatedly put ourselves in hurtful situations, hoping to get it right,” Striegel-Moore says, which means you might gravitate toward someone because she insults you, as the behavior feels familiar. Alyssa Goldberg, 43, a systems analyst in New York City, used to tolerate bad behavior from “friends.” Then one day, “a guy told me I’d be happier if I lost 25 pounds,” she recalls. Instead, she lost him. “I said, ‘Watch me lose 180 pounds now,’ then I left him standing there.”

Check you out!

Are you constantly peering at yourself in the mirror—and disparaging what you see? It’s time to put your body-bashing habits to rest and give kudos to your fantabulous shape!

By Stephanie Dolgoff

From the February 2009 Issue

You’re walking along, having a lovely day (tra-la-la!), when you glimpse yourself in a store window and a voice in your head bursts in like a news flash preempting your favorite TV show: “You’re too fat to deserve to have a nice day!” Kiss your good mood good-bye. You’ve got self-denigrating to do.

I am well acquainted with that kind of self-critique. And although I know being healthy is more important than being thin, knowing isn’t the same as believing. “To shift your feelings, you have to change the way you act,” says Terry Wilson, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Rutgers University at New Brunswick, New Jersey. In my case, he says, that would mean curtailing behaviors that reinforce my body negativity. To start, he suggests I notice when I check out myself—whether in a window, a mirror or even in my own head. (”My belly feels thick today!”) “Women like you, who worry about their weight, tend to body-check on a regular basis,” Wilson tells me. “There’s a tendency to think, If I’m not vigilant, if I don’t stand guard, I’ll let myself go.”

That strikes a chord. More signs of body-checking behavior: You constantly glance at your shape, ask your partner if you look fat or weigh yourself more than once a day. “One problem with body checking is that it keeps you in a heightened state of consciousness about what you perceive as a problem,” Wilson says. Once I start paying attention to my body checking, I’m shocked by how often I do it (six times in half an hour!). I suck in my gut while on the phone with my dad, stare at my butt in store windows when I’m on my way to a work meeting and take note of my belly extending past the waistband of my jeans as I sit down with a friend I haven’t seen in a while. The fairly obvious conclusion: When I’m feeling insecure—about work, a relationship—I’m apt to turn that dissatisfaction toward my body, maybe because it’s easier to do that than to cope with whatever is truly bothering me.

Simply seeing the link—stress leads to body checking—helps me see the habit as a sign I need to pause (”Hey, you’re checking again!”) and breathe. I discover that the less I check myself, the less I bash myself—and the better I feel about my body. Lately, I’m having more lovely days. I can live with that.