As many of you have read, nothing makes me grumpier than the Pollyanna Industrial Complex–the “just slap on a smile!” fake-it-til-you-make-it school of silly psychology that tries to convince us that if you’re not happy 24/7 that you’ve failed somehow in taking care of yourself. Barbara Ehrenreich wrote about this more eloquently than I can in Bright-Sided–highly recommended if you’ve felt like there’s something wrong with you for not simply visualizing your own Lotto-winning future.

No, the state of happiness is not something you can simply cross your arms and blink yourself over to, but you do have the ability to re-frame your pre-existing life in order to appreciate it more. That’s the thesis of my friend Amy Spencer’s new book, Bright Side Up. What I love about it and Amy, who is positive but human and realistic, is the idea that you can conceptualize your own well-being your way, like the multifaceted, imperfect and occasionally surly Formerly you no doubt are. She’s guest-blogging here, so you can get a little taste. The book comes out tomorrow, and I’m so excited for her.

I was watching The Bachelor the other day (sorry, I’m obsessed) when I was struck with some Formerly thoughts—mostly “Formerly could wear a bikini without sucking in my gut” ones. But then one of the bachelorettes started sharing some emotional insecurity that only stifles the very young and I thought, Man, I’ll take my gut over that any day. Because during the years I’ve gained these pounds, I’ve also gained invaluable life experience and a self-confidence we Formerlies can only get by living, loving, making mistakes and learning from them.

That’s basically how I roll with my down moments: I do my best to flip my perspective to the positive side. And in case you could use some help finding the good stuff sometimes, I wanted to share five ways looking on the bright side works for me:

1. Say “The Good News Is…” Like my reality TV reality check, there is good news if you choose to find it. Yes, your car broke down, but the good news is…you weren’t stuck in a snowstorm at midnight when it did. Yes, you have the flu, but the good news is…you haven’t wanted to eat an entire bag of Flavor Blast Fritos today. Yet.

2. Put a bow on it for your future self. You know that awful, very bad, annoying thing you’re going through? Well, your future self called and left a message: “Thank you.” Because if you can’t see a benefit in the present, then you’re probably you’re giving a present to your future. Rough patches and lost jobs and broken hearts may break us in the moment, but they make our future selves so much wiser, stronger, more empathetic and happier. So take it in and whisper, “You’re welcome.”

3. Lower your standards, sort of. There are so many things I don’t do because I don’t want to do them badly. (Hello, still-don’t-have-a-headboard-because-I-keep-intending-to-build-my-own.) My latest idea: We should lower our standards. At least, lower them for starting. If you’re “Formerly frozen by your To Do list,” start tackling it with some averagely okay starts and see how much happier you feel getting things done.

4. Recognize your new route is better. Ever get lost and end up discovering a short cut or a pretty road you forgot was even there? That’s how we can look at life when it sticks a roadblock in our path, too. Have faith that the detour life has put us on will actually turn out to be a better path then the path we had planned.

5. Take the tourist’s point of view. Like the Eiffel Tower to Parisians, what might seem like no big deal in your life is a Kodak moment to someone else. So look at your life the way a tourist might. Your small home may be four times the size that some people can afford, and the kids that drive you crazy may be the family one person dreams of. Think about what you have that, to some of life’s “tourists,” is worth showing off.

Those are just a few ideas to get you started. Maybe one or two will work for you and turn one of those “Formerly having a bad day” moments into having a pretty great one.

Look, I’m all about self-acceptance. I’ve regained every pound of my Divorce Diet weight, and stand my my declaration that I’d rather be heavier and happy than emaciated with a correspondingly skinny spirit. I don’t desperately need to diet and so I won’t, not least of all because I suck at it and all the effort isn’t worth looking marginally better five pounds lighter.

But if we can step outside of the fat obsession perfectionistic silliness for a second, if you do need to lose weight and could use a little support, check out my friend Rebecca’s new e-book, Your Twitter Diet, all about how she used Twitter for help losing the lbs. It comes out next week and you can download FOR FREE tomorrow, Feburary, 2, Groundhog Day.

How appropriate that the giveaway is on Groundhog Day, because anyone who has ever dieted knows the feeling that she’s doing the same thing again and again. Hopefully this funny, fun book (her blog, Doesthisblogmakeuslookfat.com is a riot) will break you of that, AND help you figure out how to use Twitter if you haven’t yet. And I haven’t, really, so I’ll be clicking myself a copy.

Anyway, here’s the link to Amazon, but through here you can get it’s also free any which digital way you do it. Let Rebecca know what you think!

Quick Formerly moment: I danced exactly like the female avatars on Just Dance 3, at least the ones doing Bananarama songs. Even eight-year-olds know that people don’t dance that way anymore. Except I still kind of do.

Hi, all,

A little something I wrote for Best Life. Let me know what you think! Steph

Aspire Gently

When I was home sick as a kid, I watched a show in which the puppeteers used to wave goodbye to the children watching: “Bye-bye, Billy!” “Adios, Alison!” They never once said, “See ya, Stephanie.” I guess at the time, in the ‘70s, my name wasn’t very popular. Thousands of dollars and years of therapy later, I am over it.

That said, I have that same feeling whenever I hear some talk show host speaking passionately about the importance of having goals and milestones that you can check off after having achieved them. The camera always pans to the audience, heads bobbing with understanding and recognition of this essential truth. Once again, I feel like the speaker is not addressing me, or people like me, who need to resolve to aspire to something else: dialing it down a little.

You can read the rest here at BEST LIFE.

How flattering to randomly out of nowhere to be named one of UK Channel 4’s 4 Beauty Best Health Blogs! Below is the little blurby they wrote about Formerly Hot, but please click here to see the other sites that were mentioned–some really good ones. Oy. There goes another afternoon I coulda shoulda woulda been working. But hey!

For age defiers

Formerly Hot (opens in a new window)
American writer and pundit Stephanie Dolgoff’s blog is a hilarious commentary on how society sees you as old – just because you’re not 21. It’s also a poignant reflection on ageing, and she sensitively observes everything from her body, her looks, the way she acts and the way people act towards her. Fascinating and insightful.

Much has been written here and here and here about the comfort/style balance, particularly as it pertains to footwear, and how as as I surge forward deeper into Formerlydom, it is ever more precarious.

Even since I began this blog three or four years ago, I’ve become more strident on the importance of perambulating pain-free, something young women do not appear to value. It’s certainly an age thing and at 44, I’m a few years late to the party on this one. Thank you to the many wiser women than I who have long since traded in their stupid shoes for clogs and flats for welcoming me into your community of comfort footwear with understanding and acceptance. My name is Stephanie, and I’m a recovering fashion masochist.

Well, I fear I may be overcorrecting here, and I could use an opinion or two. Perhaps someone from the fashion departments of one of the women’s magazines I write for needs to come over here, wedge my size 11s into pointy, ridiculous, sky-high stripper shoes to remind me what’s really important for a woman: To be propped up like a Barbie in the corner of the party, unable to move for fear of my disproportionately gigantic breasts toppling me forward. Oh, wait. I’d need implants for that. Never mind.

Anyway, neither comfortable nor stylish, the above Vibram Five Finger foot coverings are my latest addition to my footwear collection. Tell me they don’t look like dinosaur paws, or like several million years from now they may evolve into actual human-looking feet! (more…)

This morning, I was emailing a woman with whom I’m working on a project, and remarked that I was so “effing excited” about our venture.

After I hit send, I could almost hear that deflated-sounding sitcom music (”Wah wah waaaaaah!”) indicating disappointment or something falling pathetically flat. “Effing excited” struck me as utterly and completely Formerly.

I didn’t even have the passion to type the actual curse word, or even the comic book version with all the symbols and then correct myself like I used to, working hard to restrain the expression of my irrepressible emotions to within the bounds of appropriateness. (more…)

Thanks to Amy who clipped this for me from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Not sure if Terri Libenson is a reader or if she inadvertently had the same thought.

Not for nothing, S.A.D., or Still A Doll, per this strip, are my initials. My mom swears she didn’t do it on purpose, but knowing how strongly anti-monogramming she is, I’m pretty sure she’s lying.

Hi, all,

I have been nuts with work, for which I am beyond grateful, considering the state of the economy and how many capable people are scratching the dusty ground for whatever they can get. Like many things in life in these middle years, it’s not the way it should be, but it’s the way it is. I’m loathe to turn any stories down, even though I’m cranking into the nights and weekends, because I don’t know if I’ll be cycling into famine any time soon.

Still, I didn’t want anyone to start Googling me to make sure they hadn’t missed my obit. Below, a piece I did for Redbook that got a lot of love.

Please Don’t Call This a Revenge Body

Photo Credit: Dori Klotzman

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