formerlyhot.com

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KELLY WROTE: As god as my witness, in my Formerly Hot life my morning beauty routine consisted of mascara (a must) and red lip gloss (optional). Now the word for us Formerlies is that we should use LESS make-up for a ‘fresh and youthful’ look.  HELLO…WTF??? I’m now at a point where it takes more, I have the resources for the good stuff and thirty years of application tips and practice I’m supposed to wear less?  What?  Is that possible  for any of us Formerlies?  Am I the only one out here that has to spend three times longer applying twice as much stuff to look half as I good way back when?  Not Fair!  I’m calling Shenanigans!

Photo by Snowkei CC

NFA WROTE: I don’t have time to go get waxed anymore, so I buy a Sally Hansen extra strength variety, presumably for really hairy people. I keep running out of strips (last time, after I had done only one leg), but don’t have time to find just the strips alone, so I keep buying kits. Now I have three tubs of wax in my bathroom, and one set of strips. My kids were out on Sunday morning, so I managed to wax the back of one of the unfinished legs. Then they came home, and I couldn’t get to the back of the other one. And I’m still walking around with a partially hairy leg.

Photo by Quinet CC

ALEX WROTE: …looking SO old and SO bad, that ME, naked under a nightgown, smacks of Granny Clampett. In.the.flesh.  Yup, see’em and weep.

Photo by G-hat CC

LAURA WROTE: Used to be I could pluck any old shred of spandex off the rack at the start of swimsuit season, but after two kids in 20 months, this bod needs the big guns–the triple-figure-price-tag, babypool-appropriate, quadruple-ply tanksuit. Goodbye, H&M, hello Lord & Taylor. I walked out with the aquatic equivalent of control tops–from the demure Gottex Profile Collection–but rather than defeated I felt, well, sort of hot. I’d rather rock a mom suit than look like a hoochie mama!

AMY WROTE: Pancakes. That’s all my boobs are wanted for anymore. Used to be they were cute. Not being robustly endowed, they didn’t attract a lot of attention, but were, you know, appreciated. Now, the only people who are interested in them are the mammogram women. You know, the cute, perky, super happy blond radiologist who sweetly and cutely smooshes my boob down till it’s thinner than a good diner pancake. And says, “Oh, we have dense breasts, don’t we? We’ll have to do three images. Of each.” Yes, that’s right. Six smooshings. Six pancake pictures.

I. Did. Not. Sign. Up. For. This.

Photo by: Jspatchwork, CC Licensed

CATHY WROTE: Was feeling very formerly during my recent extended stay in Europe.  A dozen years ago when I first traveled there solo, hot guys practically dropped from the sky to squire me around town. I have an entire photo album filled with shots of me with handsome strangers–Nigel, Etienne, Jan, Mario–all looking pleased to be in my youthful company. Now, apparently, I am invisible. Other than a shady, middle-aged Turk who followed me for several blocks on the streets of Stuttgart, I commanded no notice whatsoever. Are European men equipped with supersonic young-American-female-tourist radar?

Photo by: Rock Cohen, CC Licensed

JOSH WROTE: People always used to say I resembled John McEnroe, because of my curly dark hair. Now, on a good day, they say I look like Charlotte’s husband on Sex and the City.  On a bad day, they say I look like George Costanza.

Photo by: rubyyot, CC Licensed

MELISSA WROTE: The other day I saw three 20-something girls walking together, laughing, acting like they were the center of the universe. They stepped into the street, just assuming cars and other people would get out of the way and, because they were young and pretty, people did.

Man, I miss that feeling.

When stopped by the police for some small, non-lethal infraction, I used to be able to be at least hot enough or cute enough to get out of the ticket. Now, at 41, I’m not a dog, but I have to be much more… perky? cute? charismatic? Basically, I have to be a really good conversationalist. Oh, and taking responsibility never hurts either!

I’m going to send this quick! Before I lose my nerve!