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Warning: I’m in moody bitch mode, so filter my rant through a screen of tolerance and good will, if you don’t mind, and perky Steph will be back as soon as possible.

The ever-chic Sarah Jessica Parker is in Elle this month discussing, among other things, getting older.

On aging naturally: “I don’t know what I can do about the aging. Yes, I am aging. Oh my God, I’m aging all the time. It’s like those flowers that wilt in front of you in time-lapse films. But what can I possibly do? Look like a lunatic?”

Now, I’m a journalist, so I know you have to ask a question in a certain way to get any kind of a reasonable quote, especially from a celebrity (if you ask, “Is the sky blue?” you’ll get, “Yes.” But if you ask, “I understand many of your critics see the sky as blue, and I can sort of see their point. But what would you like the world to know about your more nuanced perception of various colors the sky could be seen as being?” you might get a more interesting answer.) (more…)

This month, all the moms and dads in my daughters’ first grade classes have been taking turns being interviewed by the children about their jobs. It’s all very sweet–the kids learn how to be polite, to listen, to take notes (or draw them), and how not to poke one another in the neck with their pencils while the special, exalted adult guest has the floor.

I am an editor at a magazine, but I decided to go with “writer” because I do that, too, the kids are learning to write and I thought writing for a magazine would be easier to explain. Never mind that when they are old enough to read magazines, magazines will mostly have gone the way of LPs and rotary phones. In Sasha’s class Monday, I unpacked some examples of articles I’ve written, and pushed that thought right out of my head, as I do a horrifying number of times each day. I then carefully lowered my 160 pound body into the tiny child-size chair at the edge of the rug, and turned my attention to the fresh-faced, impressionable youngsters arrayed before me.

All the kids in Sasha’s class were sitting criss-cross applesauce on the rug, pencils at the ready. Sasha was right at my feet, beaming up at me proudly, whispering little secrets to her friends to show that she had the inside track on what I was going to talk about. I passed out the articles, several of which had photos of Sasha and her sister, thus elevating Sasha to the status of major media personality among her peers. Then I fielded a few softballs from Scott, Luigi, and Kasar. Milla asked me what I liked about my job, and Olivia asked what I didn’t. Scarlet asked if I also took all the pictures to go with the articles. I answered that I did not, that was someone else’s job. It was all going swimmingly.

Until up shot the hand of a little boy whose name escapes me. He had big brown eyes and a reporter’s dogged curiosity. “Do you ever get to interview any, like, famous people?” he asked. I replied that yes, occasionally I do, but that I find regular people much more interesting.

“Well, like who?” he asked.

I thought about it. I haven’t interviewed Elmo or Dan Zanes. What the hell does he care? I wracked my brain trying to think someone among the celebrities I’ve spoken to over the years who he might have heard of. I write about health, mostly. There really aren’t many celebrities in my area, and when I do interview them, it’s usually about breast cancer or bulimia or something equally inappropriate for such a setting. I hesitated, then answered, “No one you’d know.”

Silence. Sasha looked a bit stricken. I could tell I’d lost my credibility, my sparkle, my mojo. The kid said, “Like, who?”

Have you ever scrambled to name drop in front of a bunch of 6- and 7-year-olds? It’s really humiliating.

“Well, I write for grown-up magazines, so I tend to write about grown-ups. Not, like, Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers or anything.” A collective “Awww” rose up off the carpet. (It was a lie, anyway: Elle, a grown-up magazine I haven’t but could conceivably have written for, had Miley Cyrus on the cover a few months ago, another thought I pushed out of my mind.)

Murmuring in the crowd. “No one from Disney Channel at all?” asked Scott. Scott! Scott was my little buddy, not moments ago asking me about whether I prefer to use a computer or write longhand. Scott, you’re killing me over here! Who knew Scott was a star f&&&*r?

“No, no one from the Disney Channel.”

Just then, Erika, Sasha’s teacher broke in and urged the class to thank Sasha’s mommy for taking time out from her very busy schedule interviewing boring nobodies to come in to speak about her very important job in the very important world of very important grownups. Polite applause. I collected my articles, and beat a hasty retreat.

Miley Cyrus. What. Ev. Er. May Miley Cyrus not have kids anytime soon, for her sake.

Photo by BitchBuzz CC

Last week, I read Prozac Nation author Elizabeth Wurtzel’s essay in the latest issue of Elle. Although she didn’t call it such, it’s all about being Formerly Hot, as well as Formerly Crazy.

In the piece, lavishly written as is most of what she writes, she essentially says that now that she’s no longer a total nutcake, “both emotionally unkempt and mentally unhinged–deeply depressed, drugged, sensitive, and nasty all at once,” she’s also no longer hot, and hence no longer the sultry sexpot publishers want to put on the covers of her books to help sell them. (Not that she’s writing them anymore–she’s an attorney.) “Something has abandoned me,” she writes. “I don’t know what that thing is–they’ve been trying to jar it and bottle it for centuries–but it’s left, another merciless lover.”

It’s not that she was hot because she was crazy, exactly, although Lord knows there are those who find a dark beauty in lunacy. It’s more that the very time and experience that have rendered her a capable, sane, mature adult have also pushed her, she thinks, to the verge of no longer being someone you’d want in your bed. Youth is not wasted on the young, she writes. Maturity is wasted on the old. “Oh, to be 25 again and get it right,” she muses.

Please. Who got it right at 25, no matter what she looked like? Who ever gets it–”it” being the big stuff–categorically right, except perhaps in retrospect? Looked at that way, I’ll bet even Wurtzel would say she got quite a few things right. I remember envying her ability to parlay her  struggle with depression into a fabulous living when the rest of us writer types were doing the same dumb-ass self-destructive shit in our off hours while writing captions for $17K a year to pay the bills.

I went to my 20th college reunion this weekend at Wesleyan, in Connecticut, which was lovely. Much lower key than I’d expected, just old friends hanging out in the green grassy playpen we were all plunked in when we were 18, or old acquaintances pleasantly surprised that we had so much to discuss with people we hadn’t known that well back in the day. Whatever extremes of our tiny campus we thought we’d belonged in 20 years ago, we’d all moved figuratively to the middle, and talked kids and computers and hair loss and friends not present.

I wonder how many of my classmates think they got it “right,” at 22 or 25 or 35 or at any other time. Granted, people who come to reunions are contented enough with their lives to share them with those with whom they started out, all wide-eyed and full of P.C. certitude.

But I didn’t see a single person strutting around, chest puffed out, talking about how “right” he got it. Mostly, folks talked about the things they were glad they did, the things that didn’t quite pan out and the ones that kicked them in the ass but turned out to be a net positive.

I was a big bulimic mess in college, insecure about not having any one thing I knew myself to be good at, and for whatever reason was attracted to WASPy guys for whom I held little appeal. Over the years, I got it together. Time has been my friend, even if, sure, I don’t look quite so dewy.

A woman I adored–a brilliant, gorgeous, wickedly funny girl who drank a lot–told me she’s been sober 20 years, and how she and her second husband are building a life they can enjoy, rather than constantly striving. Over the years, she, too, got it together. She looked exactly as beautiful as before, but I’m sure she could point out a few blobby bits that weren’t there before she had two kids. Time is on her side, too.

And there were many more people present to whose turmoil I was not privvy in college. Over the years, they seemed to have become whole. Even those who weren’t known for screaming up at lovers’ dorm room windows or crashing their cars or burning themselves with cigarrette butts are not spared the stormy internal weather Wurtzel clearly kind of longs for, even though it’s the way she looked back when she was cuckoo that she claims to miss.

I suspect that those who think they got it “right” have simply found a way of looking at the things they’ve gotten wrong in a compassionate light.

And as for how they actually look to others, as in their physical appearance? Yeah, OK, we could all probably step it up with the sunscreen. Wrinkles, bad; melanoma, worse.

But for now, let’s just be glad things are easier, for those of us for whom they are. Getting older is not one long dance party. But no longer being a big old headcase is a joy, pure and simple. And that only comes with age.

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